My self-imposed blogging exile is coming to an end. Mainly I was a little afraid of full disclosure--the whole reason that I started this blog in the first place. Sure, I said it was to improve my writing skills, but how does: "Went downtown with Megan. Really bitchin'. Died my hair the next day...we ate bagel bites." really improve my writing? =) Maybe if the post-modernists hadn't already cornered the "short, blah sentence" market in fiction, I'd be on the right track, but we all know that only so many writers can do that and really be cooooool. And it's not like I know anything about casual Xanax use, so I probably can't write the great american post-modern novel (or at least the great american post-modern hipster novel) anyways.
I guess the thing that I was afraid of telling everyone I've been afraid to tell from the start. I dreamed of blogging as a way to wean myself off of obfuscation and into transparency...misguided at best, but great therapy (also misguided, but who gives a flying poop?). But then I gained even more friends through the blog and a wider audience of people who know me (or at least greater scrutiny from those people). Soon I was tailoring words and sentences so that I didn't quite reveal what I wanted...everyone got a taste of the Keith I felt I had to give them...not the real Keith.
It was worse than Diet--it was bland and not even genuine...it was, like,
Caffine-free, Diet Keith (coming out in Lemon and Cherry in Spring 2003).
And now the thing that I was afraid to disclose, almost everyone knows...except for my little extended internet family. This poses a slight problem because, although I
know you, I don't really know you. This should be comforting. The anonymity should envelop me like a warm blanket, lulling me into revealing every secret because
it really doesn't matter. But, in reality, it's terrifying. Maybe because everything you know about me, you've had to learn straight from me. So, in a way, I've broken a little bit of that contract I made with my readers this past January: "Come on this ride with me and I'll give you a little glimpse into the life of Keith." Sure, it's life porn, but I wanted it to be good and funny and real and ultimately a waste of time that you didn't mind repeating.
So, here goes. The buildup is really not worth it, but I'd like to start writing about my life again without the fear that I'm going to reveal the wrong thing, because basically, after this, there's not another skeleton to be found (unless they find that hamster that I forgot to feed from sixth grade...I feel bad about the whole thing, really).
I'm gay. I've been gay since I can remember. After years and years of trying not to be gay (even stooping to flirting with girls who I felt could rock my world regardless of my orientation...which I'm ultimately sorry for, especially one in particular who knows who she is and I hope she can forgive me), I've slowly come to the conclusion that I can't really change it and I need to move on from here.
I'm a Christian. I've been a Christian since 1989 and I don't see any forseeable change in that standing. This poses a slight bit of a problem, at least in this society as it stands right now. You see, the two aren't mutually exclusive, but, on the whole, most people believe that they are. This dichotomy occupies much of my thought.
I'm in love. I will embelish in a future post, but I've met the most wonderful guy in the world and I have the privilage of getting to know him better each day. We're basically living together already, having spent most waking moments with each other since we met. In January, we're planning on moving into a two bedroom apartment--a little more room for both of our stashes of stuff.
His name is Justin. =) He's a Registered Nurse and works in the neuroscience department at Florida Hospital South. He has a BA in Biology and a BS in Psychology (with an emphasis in Neurobiology) from Stetson University. Of course, I started talking to him because he was cute, but let's just say that all this helped do a little sweeping at my feet.
I would have never believed the press that love got, really. It's never quite happened like this. It's like all the sappy movies you've ever seen...you know, the ones with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, where people are meant to be together and they do things like talk about bouquets of sharpened pencils?
Oh yeah...he gave me a bouquet of sharpened pencils.
I'm not "coming out" on my blog for any political reason. Or because I have some weird compulsion for truth-telling to the n'th degree. Mainly, I'm doing this because it's my life, dammit, and I want to talk about it. =) I've been holding back far too long and I think I've got some good blog entries left in me. I understand if this is a shock to anyone and I hope that you will let me know how you feel. Because of the inflammitory nature of some of the responses to my entry, I hope that people would feel comfortable contacting me directly (keebers@cfl.rr.com) rather than posting on my comments if they think that their response could cause a free-for-all. Y'all are smart. Y'all are considerate.
Y'all are loved by me. I hope that you'll stay along for the rest of the ride.
PS--to any local friends: I apologize if it seems like I've dropped out of existence...that's actually because of work--it's kicking my ass and I can barely get up to breathe...expect more of me after the holidays--I hope to get more of you. =)
